"Look Not Behind Thee"

I haven't blogged in a really long time. I lost interest and will probably loose interest again but this being a new year I felt the need the need to blog about something special to me. This post and blog is for ME and I need to remember that. As I was getting ready for church today I came upon a video on lds.org. "Look Not Behind Thee" In light of the new year the church made a video on what that means to people. Asking if they knew bout Lots wife and why that saying was used. It defiantly struck a chord with me because I have been evaluating my life lately, the past year and what I want to do in the future.

It has been a very hard year for me. A year I think I will always remember and look back on. The saying that you will learn to love your trials has never been truer than now. No one loves trials while going through them, i've prayed for endurance, strength and understanding. I have gone through all those and been guilty of having my woe as me moments wondering why this is happening to me. I have come to the conclusion that those trials though hard have been a blessing and I love them. I love my trials. I have been refined into someone I didn't know was possible. The Lord knew all along I needed them and has been my companion through this past year never leaving my side. I never knew what leaders meant when they said turn unto Jesus and he will take your burdens from you and make you light. I never had to use that part of the atonement until this past year. What an amazing part of the atonement that is. What a blessing it has been to learn and grow. To know of my Saviors love for me and to gain a better testimony of the atoning sacrifice my Savior made for me. I don't think I have ever been so alone and supported at the same time as I have this past year. Being away from my Family and support system for 2 years has been one of the most hard yet rewarding 2 years of my life. I have been blessed with an amazing support system within my family. I have the most loyal, loving, hardworking family who has become my best friends and number 1 fans. I want to thank them for being my support and lifting me up when I couldn't lift my self up. For the prayers and thoughts always being sent my way. You all are amazing!

I have never understood what heart break was in all forms until this past year. My heart has been broken for quite sometime and each day was a healing process and not until recently did it start to be whole again. I believe it was around Halloween and my Birthday did I truly sit there and think I am okay my heart doesn't need to hurt anymore. I whole heartedly believe you need to go through the whole process and not just shun your pain just to put on a happy face. Or fake it until you make it. Talking about what hurt me and processing my trials with those I trust has been a huge help and release for me. I love myself. I love who I have been and who I am becoming. I love that my trials have helped me in realizing this .I am human and of course would not want to go through the hurt i've gone through again but I am grateful for the understanding it has given me.

"Look Not Behind Thee" this is my motto for the new year. I have spent too much time this year dwelling in the past. What could of been? What if I said or did that, would things be different? What if I was this type of person would people like me more? Wondering and dwelling has left me heart broken even more so than I was and left me confused as to who I was and who I should be. As the new year begins I am no longer looking in the past. This is it no more regrets or dwelling on the past no more trying to control my life. This is me letting go and awaiting what the future holds with an open mind. It won't be easy to do this but it is my Goal to make it happen. I want to be the person I know the Lord see's in me. I want each day to be the first day of my future and always accomplish whats thrown at me. I know I can do it its only me that's stopping myself from becoming a better person. I won't let my insecurities or people get me down. I am starting a new year and a new me, but this time I am more determined than ever to make it happen. As this being my journal entry for me to always remember it has felt good to let it all out and start fresh and work towards a better future :)

I love myself! I love my trials! I love my Savior!
Bring on 2011!